I don't understand what happens to me sometimes. I'm fine. Everything is fine. I feel normal. And then all of a sudden I feel like there's a spotlight on me. When I pass people I hear them whispering their obscenities. Judging me. Laughing about me to their friends. Secretly everyone hates me.

In my mind I know that can't possibly be true. But it feels real. They all see straight through me.

And they think I'm despicable.

And disgusting.

Just as much as I do. Maybe, if possible, even more.

And I get the thought that the world doesn't need me. I could just vanish and no one would worry. It would all be okay. And then I hurt myself. Because it seems right. It's the only thing that seems right. The pain. Because I deserve it. I know I do.

Maybe it will cleanse me. Make me less filthy. Filthy filthy filthy human.

I hate myself so much it hurts to make it through my day.

It's painful to keep up a charade of being ok.

And then just as quickly as I feel everything in the world weighing down and crushing the life out of me...

It's over.

But it's never gone. It's always waiting just under the surface of my skin. An itch I can never scratch.

Next time.
Next time.
Next time.

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