To be honest, Gavin Castleton used to be a real big deal to me.
To be honest, he still is.
[[I'm just a lot less outwardly out of my mind.]]
Archive for July 2011
Stupid boy.
I tried falling in love once. It didn't work out. It was... compulsive. Obsessive. If possible, I wanted to crawl under his skin so that I would never have to be apart from him. I needed it.
He didn't need me though.
So now I don't fall in love anymore. I fall in lust. I make sure that it is as meaningless as possible. I make sure that the next day, we don't actually have to see each other anymore. He has somewhere to be. I have somewhere to go.
It's okay.
Because I don't need anyone.
Someone called me a groupie once
I nearly rocked a jaw.
Now, I understand, that as a regular person on the street, I probably shouldn't know so many random people. I admit it, I rather enjoy talking to strangers. I like meeting new people, and I like it even more when those people enjoy meeting me as well. Now, to not consider a musician a person, is the first flaw.
Flaw #1: Band members are not real people.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is very much not the case. On a stage, sure, those people are entertainers. It is their job to feel and seem larger than life. To engage you and make you experience emotions with them through music. It's what they have trained themselves to do. Offstage, however, am I really still obligated to consider them gods? I think not.
Flaw #2: Thinking that the only people I meet are band members.
I manage to wrangle up enough money to go to a concert maybe once every two months. And that's if I'm lucky and something that I like happens to be passing through. It's a little more common now that I'm living in New York, but that doesn't mean that I frequent concert halls enough to have flyer miles. That means, that my chances of meeting a musician, as opposed to a someone walking down the road that I see hundreds of daily, are very slim in comparison. So, yes, I may manage to meet people who know how to play an instrument, and sure, the might like me as a human, but that doesn't mean that they count for only 2% of the amount of actual people that I meet and know.
Flaw #3: Assuming the only reason I want to meet these people is for perks and sex.
Sometimes I just want to hit someone. The fact that people assume that I only want to meet other people for what they can give me [no, please tell me. What can they possibly give me?! It's not like I'm friends with Beyonce!] or so that I can brag about the intercourse [what intercourse? When have I been having sex?!] makes me believe that people must just not like me. Because once you call a person out on their character, obviously there is a problem. I don't want anything, regardless of it being money or sex. I don't ask for anything from anyone, regardless of who they are.
And damn you to hell if you think otherwise. I don't like defamation.
//Ranting at 3 am//
Over the course of the last 48 hours I have
- Seen RX Bandits, Maps & Atlases and Zechs Marquis TWICE.
- Seen RX Bandits, Maps & Atlases and Zechs Marquis TWICE and FOR FREE. [different circumstances]
- Made what I consider to at least be valuable acquaintances, if not somewhat friends.
- Followed a group of semi-strangers around town. [we ate pizza]
- Tried to sleep in a van. [failed] [horribly]
- Stayed up talking all night and all day with new valuable acquaintance, if not somewhat friend.
- Gave away 2 of my penis sillybands. [people better feel special. I haven't taken those off in months]
- Met a girl who recognized me off of the internet.
- Had only 3 hours of sleep. I actually want to die right now.
The first night, the a/c was busted. The second night, I was in the pit. I am just destined to be gross and sweaty regardless of whether or not I am involved in the crowd activity of a show. At the moment, I'm feeling kind of sad. I don't know when the next time will be that I will get to see RX Bandits live again. The closest I'm going to get from here on out will probably be Mr. MoonChoi on Skype, and even that is iffy.
I also don't like friends leaving me. Or me leaving friends. When I left Atlanta, I was sad for a week about not being able to work on the friendship between me and [fuckthatguy] and I had only known him for 8 hours tops. Now I'm a tad bit upset, because me and Rikardio could have been bomb ass friends. We might still be. I just don't like feelings of uncertainty, and living in 2 different cities on 2 separate parts of the country might as well be the textbook definition of uncertain.
Whatever. Life happens. People leave. Music stops playing.
That doesn't mean that I need to be happy about it.
Night.
//Post-Note: Don't even think that my sad-rant means that I didn't have a ballin' ass time.//
I don't understand why
my mother bothers to be upset with me anymore. How has she not figured out as yet that I will ALWAYS pick music.
Ballet recital or a concert? Concert.
Baby shower or a concert? Concert.
Court date or a concert? Well, court date, but they wouldn't be that late in the day anyway so... CONCERT.
Done deal. Get it? Concert.
About Me
- Ashley Allen
- I am everything you think I am. I will always fall short of your expectations.