...
...
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What?

Excuse me.
What?

WHAT?

Cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat


SHE BETTER BE FUCKING OK

It's bleeding
It's bending
It's screaming
It's breaking
It's breaking
It's breaking

I don't want it anymore.

-----

What's real crazy to me is that I now realize that I am unable to cry. I hadn't noticed until now. I have been aware of the fact that I don't feel anything, but I thought maybe I was just getting better. I'm obviously a fool.

BUT I WANT TO CRY
AND I WANT TO SCREAM
AND I WANT TO BE UPSET
AND I WANT TO ACTUALLY FEEL WHAT THE FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FEELING
I'M NOT A REAL FUCKING PERSON ANYMORE

I just realized that Barney deleted me from his instagram. Like, every trace of me is gone. I took a picture of a cake and put it on there and even the fucking cake is gone. And I understand that we aren't together and I'm not hoping for us to be back together. But he ERASED me. I was so insignificant to him that he took the time to ERASE me.

And for a moment it hurt. And then it didn't. And I realize my medication is working.

Because I'm not real.

I just had a moment. I'm at work and I was fine.  I was being pleasant even. And then I walked outside, in the middle of a thunderstorm, sat on the ground and cried.

I don't know why.

There is a guy in here playing It's Always Sunny and I will never get it. That show is so stupid.

Ike is in Texas. And then he won't be in America. I'm already working this trash shift so I can barely talk to him with my 2 hours of free time during the day. And then he's gone.

My therapist says I'm using him for attention. I try to tell her that I enjoy taking to him, but what do I know? I'm not the one with the degree.

He shall be missed and I will be mostly alone again.

I get to work at 9.

"You're late."

Wha?

"Get here at 8:45."

But...ok

😒

That's a legit question.

I actually want an answer.

I sometimes wonder about Barney and how he's doing. Like, I'm positive that I did love him. Do love him? But why should that be a bad thing? I once read that people have a confused opinion of what unconditional love really is. They love unconditionally as long as it's reciprocated. As soon as the love stops being returned, it stops being given. I happen to have an issue where even if a person decides they hate me, I can't stop myself. If I decide to love someone I'm going to keep doing it unless they do something crazy like kick my cat. Until then, they're stuck with me.

I haven't spoken to Barney since February. And I'm not angry or anything about it. It just hasn't happened. There wasn't any need. But I still miss him pretty often. It was kind of messed up of him to say he would be my friend after we broke up if he had no intention, but what can you do. That doesn't matter to me. I still love him.

Differentiation between loving him and being in love with him. Sadly, I don't think I was ever in love with him. That's probably why I'm not too affected by our lack of contact. I was fucked up not talking to Tobias for years. 100% of the reason why we have to converse at least once a week. Because that love shit was lasting, considering the fact that my body no longer feels anything for him.

Every once in a while I consider calling Barney. I feel like he'd just be annoyed with me if I did though. I feel like he was annoyed with me for a vast majority of our relationship. Another reason it was no big deal for me to let it go. He'd do better without me.

Oh well.

Unconditional love is unconditional.

I actually think I just upset myself looking through some of this. Like, honestly I'm sad forever and I don't know why. What the fuck is wrong with me? How is it possible to be a mess for your ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE? I really must be crazy. As fuck.

I feel like it's common knowledge that my self-esteem is shit. I feel like I make a pretty good show of pretending that I don't find myself all the way horrendous, but everyone knows it's fake. Which is mostly the reason that I am incapable of understanding why anyone feels anything in regards to me. When I was younger and people told me they liked me, I used to get so angry. Because obviously they were joking. And it wasn't a funny joke. It's mean to try to convince a person you have feelings for them just to make fun of them.

I've only gotten slightly better with my thoughts as I've aged. Now I don't completely think everyone is trying to make fun of me. Now I've convinced myself that all the affection is misplaced. They've misdirected their feelings for someone better onto me. They're just confused. And I  just have to patiently wait it out for them to get their head straight. And until then I'll just keep it straight in my head that, no, it isn't really me they're talking about. It can't ever be me. Because I'm despicable.

Don't you understand? I am incapable, literally incapable, of grasping how you feel. Because I literally feel like you're confused. Rationally, I get what you're saying. Rationally, I believe you. Rationally, I know you're being genuine. But whatever the fuck is wrong with my brain is making it impossible for me to get BECAUSE YOU CAN'T MEAN ME.

I'm fucking trying. I feel like I'm hurting you all the time because my brain doesn't make sense. And I'm sorry, ok? I'm doing what I can. Like, for the past however many months, you're the only person I talk to. Literally. When's the last time Gabby has even called me? You're important. And I'm ruining everything.

Fuck my life.

Also, never again insinuate that I'm jealous of Sierra. That has never been the issue. I genuinely believe that she and Larae are despicable human beings. It had nothing to do with you. I just find them as repulsive as I find myself.