I actually think I just upset myself looking through some of this. Like, honestly I'm sad forever and I don't know why. What the fuck is wrong with me? How is it possible to be a mess for your ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE? I really must be crazy. As fuck.

I feel like it's common knowledge that my self-esteem is shit. I feel like I make a pretty good show of pretending that I don't find myself all the way horrendous, but everyone knows it's fake. Which is mostly the reason that I am incapable of understanding why anyone feels anything in regards to me. When I was younger and people told me they liked me, I used to get so angry. Because obviously they were joking. And it wasn't a funny joke. It's mean to try to convince a person you have feelings for them just to make fun of them.

I've only gotten slightly better with my thoughts as I've aged. Now I don't completely think everyone is trying to make fun of me. Now I've convinced myself that all the affection is misplaced. They've misdirected their feelings for someone better onto me. They're just confused. And I  just have to patiently wait it out for them to get their head straight. And until then I'll just keep it straight in my head that, no, it isn't really me they're talking about. It can't ever be me. Because I'm despicable.

Don't you understand? I am incapable, literally incapable, of grasping how you feel. Because I literally feel like you're confused. Rationally, I get what you're saying. Rationally, I believe you. Rationally, I know you're being genuine. But whatever the fuck is wrong with my brain is making it impossible for me to get BECAUSE YOU CAN'T MEAN ME.

I'm fucking trying. I feel like I'm hurting you all the time because my brain doesn't make sense. And I'm sorry, ok? I'm doing what I can. Like, for the past however many months, you're the only person I talk to. Literally. When's the last time Gabby has even called me? You're important. And I'm ruining everything.

Fuck my life.

Also, never again insinuate that I'm jealous of Sierra. That has never been the issue. I genuinely believe that she and Larae are despicable human beings. It had nothing to do with you. I just find them as repulsive as I find myself.